Bizarre hermit shut-in moves house, pain ensues
Goddamn, they weren't lying when they said that moving house is one of the most stressful things most people have to do.
You wanna know what topped even house move levels of stress?
Setting up the farrrcking internet in the damn place.
As a child of the internet, I'm well-versed in the joys of convenience that the little black box of wizardry in the corner can bring. I do my groceries online, I buy replacement clothes online (fashion is overcompensating), and I buy my toiletries and household cleaning products online. I also, wherever possible, manage my life online.
The first reason?
I honestly can't stand most people.
Having to edit myself in conversation so that I'm not dragged away to the nearest asylum or reported to the authorities gets old pretty fast. Plus, most people follow the script, making interactions mundane to the point of monotonous.
So, hotspotting my mobile data at the new house to get online and find the best internet package was a piece of cake.
Until I went to buy.
Where I was promptly informed that there was already an internet package registered to my house with the very provider I had chosen. Which meant I was unable to register online. The only problem was that I’d grown rather fond of the particular deal I'd sniffed out, and the other providers in the area were not exactly known for their speed or stability.
An impasse was reached. I'd need to concede either way. Give up on the great deal…
Or phone customer service.
And after six years as a recruiter… I've got PTSD when it comes to calls.
But I nutted up and dialled.
Everything went smoothly, the lady on the phone was apologetic and helpful - and I stayed courteous and polite. After all, it wasn't her fault that another internet package was registered to my house… It was the damn previous owners. The problem seemed fairly simple to solve when speaking to someone, instead of the impassable wall of "NO" that the website had offered moments before.
But then came the sales pitch.
The MAIN reason I buy everything online is because I shop like a hunter. I know what I want, I get in, get out - no messing.
So, tell me why the deal that their own website had just spat out at me... could not be found by customer service.
Then tell me why, once the deal had been found, it could only be achieved if I also bought additional products.
(I know what you’re thinking… the customer is always wrong. Trust me when I say this… I’ve spent hundreds of thousands of minutes on the other side of these conversations, and you’d usually be right. Most customers are idiots. However, I'm a high-level, giga-grade, savant-level customer. I came into this situation more prepared than Seal Team 6 did for knocking off Bin Laden.)
I knew the deal because I’d built it on their own site. I knew it inside and out - the price, the contract terms and length... So I knew this lady (or rather, this lady's sales script) was full of shyt.
Which meant, for the next 40 MINUTES, I had to politely decline every half-baked, midwit-bait upsell and upgrade. And no matter how I phrased it, this lady was hell-bent on sticking to her script.
In any other situation, it would have lost her the sale.
Honestly, if I wasn’t so bent over a barrel in terms of provider choice (being bent over a barrel is not something I like to make a habit of) I’d have put the damn phone down and they’d have lost my business for life. I'd have been 100% willing to pay MORE for someone else to provide me the same service.
The only differentiator?
The EXPERIENCE.
First, their website sold me a package. Something I was happy with and ready to buy. But there was an issue with buying online. The easiest way for me to buy was no longer possible. Unless you're an internet provider or you peddle insurance, your customer/client will simply spend their money elsewhere.
Next, the customer service lady failed to identify that I was a motivated buyer, but I wanted exactly what I wanted. I harbour no ill will for an upsell attempt… but repeatedly attempting the same upsells for 40 minutes? Poor EQ. Your customer/client wants what they want. Trying to stuff what you want to sell them down their throat is a recipe for them leaving and spending with your competitors.
Many lessons to learn for our own businesses.
If you’d like to ensure your own customer experience doesn't fall flat at the first hurdle…
You need a sales page that sells. You need there to be no funny business when it comes to your payment options. And your copy needs to be just long enough to cover the details, but short enough that your customers don’t feel like they’re being Guantanamo Bay’ed for 40 minutes with your sales pitch.
If you'd like a 60-minute lightning round rip down of your sales page, go here:
James Perkins
P.S. This service is NOT CHEAP. My PTSD from calls can only be kept at bay a limited number of times, and the thought of a diary full of these calls already has me thinking that the trees are whispering.
